I AM NOT OKAY

I am not okay. Having some trouble lately and in case anyone else is feeling down and depressed and super tired of everything, this one is for you. 

This is my first fully "aware" depression since i went sober 13 yrs ago. Actually it will be the very first i have ever written about. Mainly because, well, of all things that used to be taboo (sex, money, taxes and political persuasion) apparently depression is still up there. And i feel that needs to change. 

So, let's talk about depression. 

What are the signs that you notice when you get down? For me, its the god awful mindless food choices that kick it off. It happens way before i realize i have slapped on another 5lbs. And all the while i am indulging on comfort foods i justify it by saying, "yup, i am depressed and i NEED this to feel better." I actually hear myself saying this to myself. And once i get approval, look out pantry. 

The second is feeling sorry for myself. And this one...this one is my least favorite place to be. Usually i get super annoyed with myself and with my own antics long before depression turns super ugly. I blow things out of proportion and drive Frank nuts i am sure, although he never complains. But the whole "woe is me" thing... ugh... what better way to isolate yourself - as if we weren't being forced to isolate enough already. 

I miss connection so fucking bad. 

Third sign for me that i am sinking a bit emotionally and mentally, thus physically... my self care routine goes into the toilet. For starters, I do not shower - and justify it - by convincing myself of something - "oh yeah, my hair is dryer than normal, i just won't wash it for a few days" - that's my solution. Why bother really. Its not like i have anywhere to go and surely no one is hugging me (except my guy). 

A forth sign of depression, for me, is the fantastically overwhelming wandering procrastination that occurs. I have trouble finishing things. And this explodes when i and falling into my downward spiral. I despise this place and it makes me feel unworthy and lethargic and purposeless. And its real.

I am sure there are more tells about my depression, but wouldn't want to expose myself. That's a joke. 

I have always bounced back. I have always survived my depressions because more than anything I have made the conscious choice to not be depressed. And every new bout teaches me something new about myself, the world around me and the sheer lack of control i have over just about everything. There is nothing wrong with me because i suffer from depression. There is nothing wrong with admitting i suffer from depression from time to time. Because i have learned that i do not live there full time, its the theme park i have a lifetime pass to go anytime i want. And thus, i get to leave anytime i want. 

And there ya have it, in a nutshell. Things we don't talk about can eat us alive. I think we should talk about it. I believe in order to heal and move forward we must talk about it. Everyone gets it. Everyone deals in their own way. Some of us move on, never looking back. Once and done. Some of us stay here awhile until we catch a whiff of ourselves and think, "yeah, this depression stinks. Let's grab a shower". And there are still some of us who will constantly ebb and flow with waves of depression, joy, grief, anger, pain, hope equally. Daily. Weekly. Yearly. 

No matter the reason or circumstance, i am here to validate your depression, your sorrow, your anger, your hopelessness. and i am also here to ask you to be brave. Be brave enough and mindful enough and loving enough that you ask for help for connection. Because it may seem small, but sometimes, that little blue thumbs up does serve a purpose - esp now that we are still forced to be alone - it can be a little bluebird of hope that maybe we aren't as alone as we thought. 

I see you. And i understand. 

In the end, i feel we all need to step up and help each other more than ever right now. I post inspirational and positive and uplifting things because I NEED TO HEAR AND SEE THEM. Because I need to be reminded. I need a visual reminder that things will be okay especially when i cannot see it right in front of me. And so, i am off, to find what magnifies my spirit today. xo