A HEART 2 SIZES TOO BIG

I have always been sensitive. According to my mom, i was always too sensitive. That i needed to "lighten up".  Those two little words used to make me so mad and angry. Silly, huh?

Being sensitive/empathetic/intuitive has been a blessing and a blessing. It keeps people away that are not good for me and it brings in others whom i had never imagined a friendship with. It has brought me immense pain and sorrow, but it has been the element that has also brought me the most love, the most feeling of utter joy and peace. I love that i am sensitive. Most days. 

When one thinks too much, well, we think too much. This leads to a negative self talk cycle and is hard to break. And being overly sensitive makes one think way too much about way too many things.

One of those thoughts i drag around with me almost daily is that of connection. Deep and messy and loving connection with other human beings. I am not so sure this is an option for me in this lifetime - deep connections. Maybe i have to come to terms with the fact that i just may feel this way until my time is up. Hence, thinking too much and being too sensitive to allow another into my inner space, my inner sacred space. Its too disappointing and heart breaking and sad and i don't like to feel those things. 

My argument back to mom was that, maybe, just maybe, i am not supposed to be happy, that maybe god has chosen me to be the dark soul, the heavy soul, to be an example in the world. Maybe not all humans are meant to "be happy". And, maybe i am one of them. Maybe this was my "cross to bare" - catholic upbringing go-to phrase to justify why something is the way it is that we don't like or agree with. 

So instead i go about my little life sprinkling little bits of hope and peace and love whenever and wherever i can, knowing full well i will be let down, mocked, ignored and whispered about. 

And this sensitive soul will do her best to not care. And it won't work. So i will find myself among the wildflowers, my art supplies. i have found that within the last year,  i have really missed being creative. I have missed learning how to do new things, new techniques, new anything... i loved making art as a child. Art makes the pain tolerable. Using creativity is like eating that bag of lettuce you bought at the store before it goes bad. You know the feeling. It feels really good - like accomplishing a huge goal.

I will always be the sensitive one. I will always be the one who cries at injustices and heartbreaks of others. I will always be kinder than i need to be. I will always give more than i will receive. I will always love more than you know. I will always be who I am. Authentic. Courageous. I will always have a heart 2 sizes too big. 

And i am totally okay with this because i believe the planet needs more sensitive souls to come forward and light the path for the rest of the world. What we don't need are people who pretend to be sensitive and then make fun of, belittle, mock or impose their hard-wired beliefs onto others. We need sensitive people who practice what they preach. 

I am sensitive and i used to dislike that about me. I have grown to understand that i am okay having a heart 2 sizes too big for this world. Because i am not sure who i would be otherwise.