YEAH, WHATEVER

So the Negative Committee in my head is annoying the hell out of me today. It's got a handle on me with things like,  "you're such a fake. Spreading info about how to provide yourself love through self care when YOU DON'T FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE". And so i sit with that. And i sit with that. And then more come. 

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Some holistic practitioner you are!"

And then i am off to the pantry. Again. 

Back with the cheese crackers and an iced coffee. Because they comfort me. They allow my stomach to take over and makes the brain shut up for a minute. And i crawl onto the couch to snuggle with my ailing pup, who today is havibg a very hard time breathing through his nose without blowing snot all over the place. 

So i decide to write about it. To get that committee of assholes to shut the fuck up. And it automatically has started to make me feel better. Oddly enough. And i havent even hit publish yet. 

Maybe there is something to this writing thing. I know i am not random, but my thoughts are so much so these days, my only real focus has been on 'whats up with these thoughts? '

It is no secret to my tribe that my life has been turned upside down since March 16, 2020. it has. It has taken my neat, planned out life and tossed the whole thing into a snowglobe - that is being shaken by a roudy 4yr old. And continues to be shaken. 

So, without all my business, plans and routine, who am i? Or better yet, who was i that wasn't working? So much so that the universe decided to dismantle me. And where is my yoga practice? And my Ayurvedic training? Where is that info and treatments and sense, in the midst of my mid-life crisis? What the actual fuck? "God, i am the biggest hypocrite!"

Fuck that. I am numb. Ojas? What ojas? I am kapha exemplified. Through and through. I am unstable. I am vata on steriods. I am pitta underwater. I am in the midst of an unravelling of a comin to Jesus sort of transformation. I am conscious of all my choices and yet i am continuing to commit prajnarphara on a daily basis. Heck, the ENTIRE day for a little while now (3-4 days). I dont know anything other than how it feels and what my intuition is telling me. I don't expect anyone to get it except those who have walked before me or are currently walking with me. And that is okay. More than okay.

A balanced mind, body and spirit shows through a person upon immediately meeting them. Conversely, the opposite is true too. And i know deep deep deep down i am so out of balance it's frightening. And i am allowed to be broken. I am allowed to feel out of balance. I am allowed to be whatever i need to be until i cant be that thing anymore. i am allowed to go through it. And i am allowed to take as much damn time as i want. I will never be the same again. Ever. Pre March 16, 2020 Donnia is gone. I am giving myself permission. You are feeling the metamorphosis. Feel it. Talk about it. Write about it. Share it. 

And for right now, i am 100% completely and totally fine with it. 

Yeah, whatever. 

Go ahead Negative Committee. Discuss. 

Last year i focused on survival. This year, i might just allow myself to fall apart.