BECOME YOU

I have no need to impress anyone but myself. I have no need to follow the rules or stay inside the lines. Your lines. I am uninterested in how they cage me in. 

What i do need however, is my spark, my fire to be uncontrolled and raging wild for awhile. It may last a week, a month or the next 25 years. It will last as long as it lasts and for as long as i draw breath it will be so. So many people have tried to squander my incredibly frustrating creative patterns with their "what you should do's" and "Why dont you just..."  fuck off. I didnt ask you for permission, i didn't ask for you to fix me or put me safely into the box. Leave me be, let me grow, let me screw it up and be messy. Its my life. And i like messy. Otherwise it wouldn't keep showing up. 

My creative juices have been flowing out of me like a newly formed river in Springtime. I have no idea where its going, but i know it has momentum. My process is confusing to most and thats cool. Its my process. I have the ability to work on many many things at once - and do them well. 98% of the time. The other 2% my process drives me to clean it all up and start over. 

From walnuts and hot glue to sticks and stones i utilize everything around me when i am in the flow. And being in the flow is soo much easier than trudging up the mountain barefoot. Just floating from project to project is where i get lucky, even if it is my neurosis. 

In my life, i have always been told to Finish what you start before you try something else. I did. I tried reeealy hard to cram myself into that box. Didnt work. Too stale, too sterile, too boring and i almost died there. So don't tell someone they "really should do it differently." Its soul crushing because it will be believed for awhile. And when they come to, and realize you were the one to control them? Its over. For good. 

I have never known, really felt, until now, that i had many artistic talents. Always the competitor, always comparing what i can do to my neighbors, and judging oh so harshly. My childhood was lost at a very young age and so my inner girl has been clawing her way to the surface of that box (now the size of a refrigerator box) just to breathe. Just to see what that light has been all this time. Its complete, utter freedom and acceptance. DISCLAIMER: I wonder though, if i would be so positive about it all if people were not interested in exchanging what i do for cash. Hmmm...

And oh man, is the air clear up here. I am so proud of myself for the person i am. When i think about who i am and how my life is today, right now, i am so damn proud of me. I have crap days/weeks too but the majority of my time here on planet earth has been a blast for me. 

Rebranding myself through all forms of visualization. It may feel at times that i may be overcompensating and afraid to face certain life traumas, at least to me it does. It does provide solace and it also delivers a work-through process for dealing. Letting go and healing, as you know are conscious daily practices. Its never once and done. What i am coming to grips with is that grief, pain, torment,  negativity, complaining never truly goes away. So, what needs to be louder? Yeah, you know, that voice that puts them all to to bed, to leave you for now. Just wink at them, cause they'll be back. 

When i get a vision though, in the advent of forgetting, or losing it, i quickly make a space available to 'just try it and see where it goes' . I enjoy this process. I feel i have never quite represented myself quite right, until now. Until i was able to stop and focus on what i could do, it was all for some other cause. Rent, food, credit card companies, bills. Those were my causes. Not anymore. 

Freedom to choose what, who, when and how much. Thats what my life is like now. While i am not wealthy in dollar bills, i have plenty, and i have what i need to thrive. Would it be nice to have 1million dollars in my mattress? Hell yeah. But having what i have right now, is so much enough. I am enough. What i do is enough. and i love it. 

I had my hands in dirt by 630am this morning and oh my goodess it felt soo damn good. Clean and grounding and nurturing. Without living for the future too much, this year, I. Cannot. Wait. For. Spring. 

Every major life event has taken place because of, during, or around the beginning of Spring. Jobs, death, life, love. With my birthday, being March 21st, it just makes sense - Spring is rebirth - it is the time to start over again. And it is even more special because the universe decided i must need a reset every year. I love the spring. The smell of the earth, the light warm breezes, that sunshine! 

Namasté sweet souls. 

May you be happy, healthy, holy, protected, prosperous and blessed. 

Just for today.