COVER UP

Making the most of a crappy situation. I have had more joy in creating art than i ever remember having. The downside is that is is covering up my grief and anger. Letting go is a daily practice - its not just once and done.

I have been so consumed with making everything okay that when I finally slowed down to look at the reality of my situation, it became crystal clear that I have not done my work. I have avoided the pain of what has transpired this last year because it's uncomfortable and well, painful. I had tied up my identity into my work as a massage therapist and healer without even knowing it. My learning has taught me that I am not what I do, and yet, here I am.

My intention is to cultivate my sense of self, to become more than just a label, a career. My intention is to live what I know to be true, what I know to be love. In the course of my life, the Spring, March, esp my birthday has always brought undeniable change. I had either quit jobs, gotten new ones, made bold decisions, dealt with the death of my momma, closed my business - always some major life shift.

I imagine this March, this spring 2021 will be no different. And although I think I am prepared, I do not feel prepared. I feel more scattered and more uneven than ever - because I tied up my identity into my role in my community. Since that was ripped from me, I turned to art. Developing new crafts, making it happen, mainly to survive the unsurmountable grief I knew was coming. And because I covered it up, I am now dealing with bucket loads of grief for the loss of who I thought I was. I am beginning to uncover it now only to find me, still sitting here, alive and well, just changed, forever.

I have fallen down. I have lost my spark. I feel I am currently in the midst of my own ashes, looking around and wondering WTF just happened. As I go through the cycle of recurring stages of grief and loss I know these too are here with me in the ashes of my existence. I will rise again. I will rise so damn bright that I will need sunglasses to look at myself. This too shall pass. And the ashes of yesterday will feed the ground and nurture the seeds I have planted unknowingly while in my attempt to avoid.

I will rise. And when I get back up I will rise as the whole damn fire.

Love. peace, courage and authenticity to you all. Today and everyday you feel broken and lost and buried in your own ashes.