NO LONGER CONFUSED

I was confused on how to be these days. I am genuinely happy and very content and i dont know how to be that without seeming like I'm bragging. Does that make sense? I have a battle between being humble and living my happiness out loud.

So a friend and i were talking today and her remarks about the world situation made me stop for a moment because it was making me very agitated. Not her, what she was saying, and i found myself getting a little on the defensive side for some reason. This baffled me as i was feeling it rise in me.

And i think i figured out why. I am happy. 

Right now in my life, i am happy. And content. And i feel light (although i am heavier than last year)  my heart feels light. And i am completely okay with my little life. My small little perfectly imperfect messy world. 

And i kept getting a sneaking suspicion that i was supposed to be all Eeyore about the world situation. And im just not. But i (think) I must pretend to be Eeyore because the rest of the world feels that way. Thats what i see. Thats what i hear. Thats what i sense out there. Its very oppressive out there. Well, I'm done with feeling this way.  

I'm done hiding behind the fake "oh woe is me facade." I have played the victim long enough. Truth is im starting to piss myself off. I will not feel bad because, in my life, the 2020 pause was (and is) a blessing. It has changed me in so many ways i can't even count. 

i have different eyes now. 

I have different thoughts now. 

I have different skin now. 

I have a different direction now. 

I have different friends now. Real ones. 

I have different opportunity now. 

I have art! Now. God i love making art. 

The Pause has not only taught me impermanence but it has also taught me that nothibg and no one is coming to save me. Its just me. 

So, i will practice, and work through the days where i feel the oppression sneak in again and remind myself who the fuck i am. Because the roller coaster will keep going. But it will be easier next time because i will notice the pattern. 

I make myself small so i dont stand out as a survivor. WHY????? Why cant i shine brightly,  loudly, full of courage and bravery and fulfillment? Only i said i cant. No one ever said, "hey tone it down over there". Its me who thinks i should be as depressed as everyone else. Its me who absorbs all that victim energy. And i dont want it anymore. 

I am here to live a life of wonder and joy and happiness. And that is exactly what i shall do. 

And so it is.