May i share?

Lately my mind, body and spirit have needed something. Something has been missing. Some thing has divided my being. This is the ME i have the most trouble with. 

It is more than feeling off, or depressed or even angry. I have been doubting myself. That, to me, is quite possibly the worst experience i put myself through. 

When I doubt myself, everything seems to get sucked into that black hole. Self esteem, self care, nutrition, sleep, relationships, projects... and what a rollercoaster cycle it can be.  

What causes delf doubt for me?

Good question. 

Studying the competition. 

i.e. NOT minding my own business. 

Being Intimidated by said competition. 

i.e. FORGETTING how awesome i am. 

Seeing an idea I had - be done better by someone else. 

i.e. giving waaay too much attention to the judgement of a situation. 

Giving up because i didnt "do it first".

i.e. allowing anothers actions to freeze mine. 

Allow me to introduce the other culprits.

Diet

Wow, when i don't eat well my body has an all out war with its mental and spiritual allies. Its more than just feeling off, its feeling poisoned almost. Prajnaparadha - sanksrit word for  - crimes against the intellect. When you know something is bad for you but you do it anyway. Bacon for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch and ICE CREAM for dinner. Wow. I am not sure i even drank water that day. Cycle. 

Self care

In. The. Toilet. No mindful and authentic self care. Some days basic hygiene was seriously lacking. Cycle. 

May i introduce, the Me I LOVE the most. 

If you need proof that eating healthy, that providing time and space for self care can make or break a person, i give you my personal experience to reference. 

[ this montage of photos is a screenshot of all the sassy sexy fun i had with myself today. I felt super cute. I loved what i saw. Focused on how i felt when looking at myself - which i rarely do. ]

Today is the first day in a long time i felt absolutely amazing. Through my eyes i looked amazing, skin clear, great color, hair done to perfection, attitude upbeat and shining. I could feel my energy - it was so jazzed up. Not one ounce of self doubt. Not one teeny tiny bit of comparison. Wow. It was amazing. 

My current cycle of destruction ended when i decided to consciously choose my foods and plan for mealtime. Simple as that. Eating crappy foods or, not eating consistently will make or break my body, mind and spirit. I have known this for decades - i am not telling myself, or you, anything new. FOOD MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 

I actually felt sexy, desireable and inspirational - TO MYSELF. I am in love with today. I am in love with my choices. i am in love with myself today. I felt like a sophisticated sexy inspiring model.

So, until next time, until i start to create Prajnapahara ... because it will happen again, maybe reading this post again will snap me out of it. 

I love you and all the hard things you need to do, to get to this place. Practice the Art of Living whenever and wherever you can. 

Start again. 

Fail.

Start again. I have never stopped loving and routing for you.