I am the change I wish to see

I was always under the illusion that holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas were when family, chosen and not, get together and break bread, check in with one another and simply just enjoy each other's company. 

Since my mother's death I have come to realize, and rather super challenging for me to grasp, that the Holidays were about her and her energy. She gave so much energy to making sure everyone felt welcomed that it seemed a flawless act on her part. It was inspiring and also very impossible to recreate now that she is gone. 

I wish things were different. I wish I had a solid family infrastructure. I feel so lost and misunderstood by all of them. With the exception of my husband, and a best friend. 

I want to talk about real things and real self healing and the magic of the universe and how we all fit into it. 

I do not feel loved by my born family. And so I must make a choice. And practice it. 

Wish me luck. 

I will have to be the change I wish to see.